No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
