Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
