Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My pussy is not your playground.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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