You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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