I can't breathe out the right side of my face
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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