would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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