My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
