I hate your face
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
