you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
