thus making me awesome and them whores
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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