and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
