It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
