: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
