So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i came on her dog
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
