sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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