I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think your dad took our porno
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
