I'm drive I can fine osifer
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!