So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
