If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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