yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
