Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
