I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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