im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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