Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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