wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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