what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
