I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We talked him into tasing himself.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
