i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
