Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel like a drive thru vagina
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
