ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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