fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
