I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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