I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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