Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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