i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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