i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
