This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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