They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
