Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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