I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Watching her eat just hurts me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
