:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
