she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
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I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
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You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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