A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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