...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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