I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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