Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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