so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
