i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
