She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
