My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
