i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
