Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
