I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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