sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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