I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
honey bunches of taint.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Houston, we have a squirter
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
