she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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