I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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