OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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