His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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