I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
