The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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